Faint

Since I’m having my usual nausea while at the office (some places to be can be a lot worse), I’ve decided to write since I can’t concentrate on my task. Frequent evening sickness (and occasionally in the morning like today) define me these days. I already lost 2 lbs since I’ve had this baby. It’s been 11 weeks and 3 days now.

What makes things more difficult is that we still have yet to settle our living arrangements (simply because other things come first) and the first trimester is the most difficult stage in pregnancy. So mostly, I’ve been going through all these by myself. Sometimes I just cry of laborious effort and I always pray to get home safe.

I almost fainted once while walking in a crowded place since I missed the scheduled time for dinner. Clearly one of those moments that I consider miraculous such that I survived unscathed.

I’ve had fever, severe colds and slight cough. Sometimes I miss the daily milk intake since I’m too weak to even prepare the drink. Occasionally, I sleep with nothing in my tummy but a prayer that my baby will still be okay.

But we are holding on.

Everyday, I long to seek refuge to my parents’ home. Where we can walk our doggies, Phoebs and Barney, to the beach. Where we can eat everything I crave for – all natural and fresh. Where we can enjoy serenity at its best: me, my baby, and Karl.

Hang in there, my love. Hapit na bakasyon!!!

My First Tribute

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” Writer Anais Nin

I guess that makes me courageous enough to conceive.

Indeed, this is a moment of inspiration unlike any other.

Little did I know that last Saturday would make me a witness to compassion, giving and receiving. Who among the mothers wouldn’t dramatize the joy and pain of seeing a trace of the fetus for the first time via Ultrasound – so little and so fragile? So helpless but holding on. So alive yet making her way silently and uncomplainingly so.

Wasn’t I such a selfish Mama? The image of life I’ve seen became so glued in my mind for a while that those 7 weeks that I missed him/her out brought me to uncontrollable tears… :(

Indeed, some very big changes are happening in my life.

This early, it might be selfish for me to make claims on the life of this little being but I render myself completely to the union.

And I cry out of joy.

This is the great adventure I have envisioned and now it has begun to take shape.

Karl has never failed to show tender affection and support. I have great people for family and friends who are truly well-wishers; I am so blessed.

Thank you, dear God for the wonderful gift of life!

Something Close...

For another rare instance, I’ve actually sat down to write with a general conscious awareness of something way beyond myself for a personal space in the web.

Earlier, a friend informed me of an armed conflict going on in Zamboanga and that triggered me to search an online news website. (Only to find out later that it was meant to be a joke… Boom ta rat ta rat!)

Anyway, what caught my eye was this story written on June 14, 2006 at Inq7.net:
Zamboanga del Norte is RP’s poorest province. Sure, that hit me like a bullet. Because I came from that part of the world and my ancestors were the original settlers of the area and of the neighboring towns/provinces.

The Subanen

It was the Subanen folks who named many of the barangays, municipalities and cities of Zamboanga del Norte (Sindangan got its name when a Subanen fisherman thought he was being asked by a Guardia Civil of the kind of fish he caught; a barangay in Sindangan is named after my late grandfather, Datu Tangkilan Andus; Dipolog came from Dipag, which means river in the Subanen dialect, etc.).

The Subanen dialect, to my father’s rough estimate, is being spoken to date by 120-150,000 residents in Mindanao particularly in Zamboanga del Norte, Zamboanga del Sur and Misamis Occidental.

Poverty line

So how is the poverty line assessed? It is obtained by the calculation of the cost of basic food and non-food requirements by the National Statistical Coordination Board (NSCB).

The Food and Nutrition Research Institute (FNRI) sets the basic nutritional requirements (food/subsistence threshold). NSCB computes the minimum cost of the food items needed to satisfy this threshold, which is computed separately for every province within the region, to take into account the differences in food prices.

On the other hand, using the data gathered from the Family Income and Expenditures Survey (FIES), the minimum non-food budget items are determined through the non-food expenditure patterns of households lying within the 10-percent range around the provincial food threshold. (Source here.

Poverty Encounter

Although Zamboanga del Norte, like the rest of the provinces in the Philippines, has achieved high level of literacy in English (and Filipino), that doesn't speak much of the real condition of the province in relation to poverty.

My parents – my mother from the Subanen royal lineage, and my father of Subanen and Muslim ancestry, came face-to-face with poverty while working as public school teachers in the highlands of Zamboanga del Norte.

People in these areas rely heavily on corn, coconut, rice crop, vegetables, cassava, fruits and any soil product for subsistence. Most of the able residents cultivate the land from morning till sun-down in anticipation of a good yield (my cousin comes to work even before the sun comes up!). During those periods of non-harvest or when their crops are destroyed by storms (during which time their dreams wither with it), they come to the point of – not food shortage but, SCARCITY.

This is happening so often that my parents do not wonder when some kids are missing their classes or why it takes longer to teach these kids new knowledge. There was nothing else in their eyes except THE longing.

I immediately recall this from an email: Before you complain about the taste of your food, think of someone who has nothing to eat!

But my parents, being native speakers of the Subanen dialect, have endeared themselves to them as I stand witness to all their hard works just to see these children through the school years, even acquiring new school buildings on their behalf.

Every so often, my sister and I find ourselves recognized as the daughters of The Exemplary Teachers. They have lived their lives to make a difference, professionally and beyond.

My Blood line

My relatives of father’s side come down from the highlands (mulugsong in Visayan) on fiestas or after harvest times (corn, coconut, etc) and, what’s ironic is sometimes they spend largely of what they earned on liquors and women (on bars). FYI, like Muslims, Subanen men are allowed to take more than one wife.

My mother used to resent our frequent visitors coming in different batches and spending nights out having a good time and expecting the door to be opened for them when they come home late. And not to mention my father lending his income to accommodate an entire clan. (That’s as far as I can remember.)

But my mother’s side of the family has the worse story to tell. And all that began after the great Datu Tangkilan passed away, leaving his sons and daughters from six wives to impose order upon themselves and, in effect, preserve and enrich the Subanen culture.

Critical Areas

I can’t speak much, however, about the rest of the towns of Zamboanga del Norte. Four towns have been considered critical areas, the Triple S-B area: Sibuco, Siocon, Sirawai and Baliguian. These have remained a battlefield between the military and the Moro guerrillas over the years.

Conclusion

Even without prior intention, when I re-read my horoscope (FYI, I’ve subscribed because I like to read about good stuffs everyday), it says: Look at the collective picture, and open your eyes to the world around you. Get involved on a community level.

I'm Glad I'm Not...

I was ready to text unpleasant words but my efforts to really control my impulsive responses (thanks to the book that immediately springs to mind – one I’m currently trying to complete, Attitude is Everything) have so far slightly succeeded.

Instead of complaining, I try to look at things in a different perspective – positive, that is. After having had my late lunch and coming in late for the afternoon of work, I opened one of my saved documents and there I found in my I’m-Glad-I’m-Not list written months ago (and meant to be added with more) is the entry: an only child.

Anyway, in one chapter of the book mentioned earlier, I was required to do some emotional exercises. The instruction was this: Make a list of the negative attitudes that may have held you back in the past. Beside each one, write down what you think the source of that attitude might be.

Soon as I began weaving attitudes history, I just went on and on – listing some new things that I haven’t realized or given the right amount of thought before. The author says the only way to really move on positively with life is to acknowledge the past experiences that have molded your life and have predetermined your responses to related situations in the future. I realize the clash of conflicting attitudes of bad and good within me. I recognized that same-mistakes-committed-followed-by-self-forgiveness have become a pattern.

So here I am, in a broad exploration. My reading of life will last a lifetime, but I will try to finish the book later.

Thanks, Michelle! :D

What would it be like?

I got into thinking one day as I stared at the colorful display of life progressing around me.

What would it be like if instead of reading “Minimum Fare” on PUVs we see the sign “Minimum Fear: Getting robbed at gunpoint or ice pick”. (It should be better than getting bruises and your brain getting quaked after head-on collision with a ten-wheeler truck. Or worse, falling into a deep excavation.)

And what happens when you slam dunk a donut? (Kids, don't play with your food!) Or will Miss Donut be wearing – instead of a crown – a donut? Uhmm... a flavored halo?

And is the toilet (the less sophisticated term for rest room or CR) the shortcut for TOY outlet? (Wahahaha!! Mura'g bad man to.)

And what if the earth occasionally stops rotating and revolving?

What if we all lose our hair? Then we won't need shampoo, conditioner and hair parlor services. And not to mention hairbrushes or combs that come in all shapes, colors and “quality”. But the hat industry would be in boom. (Wow, hats are cool!) And probably the wig production, too. Waahhhh... then our scalps need sunscreen, too.

And what if each Filipino is required to plant and grow a tree or two? That would be an enormous addition of more than 80 million oxygen emitters. (Hayyy... some air.)

And what happens when all communication systems and internet servers went down for 24 hours at least? Would that translate to quality time for families and loved ones? Or would we only see the harm it does to businesses?

What if there's a camera with two types of lens: one that can see through the positive and the other, the negative traits of a person? Would that change anything at all?

What if raindrops for a minute or two turn to flowers when they touch your skin? Would you see its beauty, or the litter it creates in the streets, roofs, the seas, rivers – anywhere?

How often do you say, “Thank you”, “I love you”, “Good morning/afternoon/evening/day/night”, "Sorry" or offer the warmth of your smile?

How often do you go to the comfort room everyday?

Would you appreciate a No Vehicle Workday?

How far can you walk and explore without spending a single centavo?

What if the clothes, shoes, bags, furnitures (and other) manufacturers stop producing goods? We don't need all those extra stuff, and the mountains of trash they create. But we need the jobs. *sighs*

What if time comes when women are no longer capable of conception (meaning, the world population has reached its limit)? Then we would make the most of what we have. And marriages would be merely meant for companionship.

Has the TV created such an illusion that we consider our lives less interesting than those we see in it?

What if everyday we hold a masquerade? (Yup, the party!) Wouldn't it be too expensive a lifestyle?

What do you like best about your job? How did you come to choose your occupation?

Consider the following couplet for a while:
“I hate the blues
because I had no shoes...
until upon the street,...
I met a man who had no feet.”

How often do you count your blessings?

What would you be more scared of – being chased by a mad dog or stepping into a quicksand?

How often does your rude side come to the fore?

How about dropping a coin or two daily in our spiritual banks? What if we make it a habit to contribute to charities? What if we highlight the good things and downplay the unpleasant?

What if we're only allowed a maximum net worth, the amount in excess will be given to the needy? What if a day's earnings in lotto would be collectively used for a worthy cause once a week/month?

What if men become women for a day? And the other way around? Would things turn out better? What if babies can walk, talk immediately after birth? Would that decrease our life span?

If Veronica decides to die, what if Jolina one day decides to do bold? What if the day comes when ugly becomes beautiful? Would it take darkness to see light? Opposites to recognize the significance of similarities? A certain complex to appreciate simplicity? A kind of mess to value order? Too much heat to appreciate the rain?

What if death is at an arm's length from you?

Would the prisoners or deprived ones turn out better writers?

Sometimes we have become used to saying “for men/women”, we forget that some just need to hear “panlalaki/pambabaye” to get the message across.

-()-

Treasures need not be hunted - look no farther.
FYI: Toilet originally meant a lady's draped dressing-table.

Straight from the Hurt

This is my first entry here.

-()-

This is reminiscent of that time several years ago when I wrestled with the issue. I thought being someone whose underlying message is more clearly delivered in writing is nothing short of a... CURSE! But, after a few moments of deliberation, I ended up deducing that, okay, I am unique, I am special, I am not like anybody else. But damn!

I am so filled with horrible feelings right now (read: depression, depression and depression) that I want to cry. This could come out as a mere rambling of a mind at wit's end. What's worse, it's a case of not really being able to figure out what this is all about.

Why is it sometimes difficult to love oneself despite the proximity and the fill of people who profess and openly display their affection?

(This could be reduced to a rambling that could go on and on...)

My horoscope, in its vain effort to psych me up, has a quick feedback: You probably won't find the answers just yet to the questions you may be asking yourself today. Yeah, that surely helps.

I took an online test and the result issued: “You're not miserable, but you could stand to be a lot happier.” But this is not merely about me. It's about millions of people out there awaiting that “warm” embrace. For a start, adopt me by leaving a visible trace of your visit.

Sometimes the thought and feeling of being alone is too much to cope with.

Maybe I was born like this. And, yes, life goes on. Life can be more beautiful, if only it goes way beyond myself.

So... how do you fit in to the world?