Thursday, May 03, 2007

What's Your Guess?

Did the feeling of disappointment come bubbling up to the surface when I learned that my second ultrasound report fail to reveal my baby’s gender? Well, honestly, I didn’t expect to know before that. (Not that I didn’t want to know altogether.)

I am probably experiencing a hormonal change of tune right now, or whatever this is that has become typical of me these days. A week ago I was trying to sort myself out of depression, which was halted when my husband’s family came over for a double family celebration.

And now since they’ve left, it kind of left me largely cold and deserted. So here goes my reliving depressing thoughts and wanting to go home. But where is home for me now? Is it not my new family? Have I been all by myself for a long time that I've gotten so used to this?

Or maybe this persists because of my refusal to acknowledge that we all go through this feeling. Hopefully, putting it into writing makes it eventually disappear. Apparently, I’ve had a few self-absorbed moments too many. Much of what I learned from my mistakes in the past still need to lend themselves well as I continue to try to thrust myself out of the comfortable and familiar.

I’m still very much out of vogue.

And with this train of thoughts, I may not be able to stand not seeing Karl even for just a day him being a real source of inspiration. I know sometimes I’ve got to focus on my top priorities to keep myself happy and grounded.

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