The Day He Said Goodbye

One time, Karl went home to his parents and to this day, I don’t know the reason why. Sometimes he has this habit of answering you with, “Wala lang” probably in his attempt at keeping some things to himself. And sometimes I choose not to go beyond the line. I don’t know, I have this feeling that he might have had enough of me that he wants space, if only for a while. And it even comes to my “luoran” point that I could say the infamous words, “Hell, yeah! I am not your partner; I am just your wife.” Pathetic as it may seem.

But, honestly, when I first heard of his plan, angry silence wasn’t the right description of how I felt. I felt betrayed. Thoughts raged in my head like, does he want to relieve himself from fatherly duties for a while? Does he feel he has had too much of a load playing dual roles when he’s awake for work late at night? You know, sometimes, when I’m really tired, I need to recharge… even for just a few hours.

And yeah, who’s complaining now? And to mention one of the least, did he have to contend the pains over being unable to breastfeed because I am away tugging with my PC? But being me, sometimes silence is my best cover lest I say things that should have been better left unsaid.

But still I cried when it was time for him to go. We’ve been almost inseparable since we got married (and even before that). Mingaw kaau oi.

Still this experience smacks reality in the face.

I was actually glad he was gone for a while! The evenings just weren't the same. I was happy to have the bed to me and my baby (Raj used to sleep in our midst). It was comfortable to surf the internet and check my e-mails alone, no pressure of company to limit my usage of the PC. Raj was hassle-free, too, perhaps sensing my comfy high. Now, I do appreciate some time apart. Although between us, I am least likely to be discharged of my motherly duties. But then again, I can’t probably live a night without my baby at an arms length or two.

I got this beautiful statement from a website:

“Part of me is happy that I get to breath for a day and know that I am breathing for me. That the steps I take are leading me to where I want to go. And, as much as I love you all, I need a day to escape life. Our life.”